Eps. 16: I don’t need you…
Episode Description
“I don’t need you. I choose you.” sounded empowering when Crystal first said it, but the words landed differently for Doc. Together they revisit independence, choice, covenant, mutual dependence, and the importance of considering how a true idea may still wound the person hearing it.
What We Get Into in This Episode
How “I choose you” can land as “I do not value you”
Independence versus marital interdependence
The unique contributions each spouse brings
Why wording and delivery matter
Appreciating what you depend on in your spouse
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is it healthy to need your spouse?
Healthy need does not require losing your identity. It recognizes the companionship, trust, support, and unique contribution each spouse brings.
Why can “I don’t need you, I choose you” feel hurtful?
The speaker may intend to communicate strength and voluntary commitment, while the listener may hear that their presence and contribution are unnecessary.
How can independent spouses build interdependence?
Acknowledge the ways you rely on each other, invite contribution, express appreciation, and use language that helps both spouses feel valued.
Transcript
So, we were revisiting a conversation that we had prior to kids and it was a phone conversation PC and anyway I remember on the phone she said, "I don't need you. I choose you." Yeah, I said that. I did. Yeah. And I remember the silence on the other end of the line. And um it kind of kind of caught me off guard that it was so quiet, but um What did you expect when you say something like that? Like I mean I feel like a choice is opting into something. Yes. Right. Yes.
I said that I want to be with you. I choose to be with you. Not that I need to be with you. Yeah. I guess I don't know. And I mean, yes, you're right. We have established. Yes. Yes, you're right. But I guess it was I don't know.
Maybe it was the way it was said. I was just like, well, dang. Well, so here's the deal. Um, I think that the thing that we learn when we're when we mature is that what you choose is what you choose. But it eventually becomes something that you need. And when you enter into the covenant of marriage, you be you come to need the person that um that you enter into that covenant with. And it was a short-sighted comment that I made at the time that was really I think hurtful. It Yeah, I it was kind of hurtful because I listen I knew I made a choice but I knew I needed you in my life. So it was no doubt that I needed you in my life which is why I was like hey marry me I need you. That was a little booy independent woman in me coming out where I was I was essentially trying to make a distinction between I can do for myself but I choose to be with you and do life with you and it didn't come out right but you have to think about the things that you depend on your spouse for and the role that you play in a marriage and um as the neck the wife is the neck Right.
I'm supposed to support him. I'm supposed to be there for him. And so theoretically, no. Do I need you? No. But I do come to depend on you and everything that you do for me, the things that you provide for me, the companionship, the trust, right? And those are the things that really come to matter in a marriage. Yeah. Well, I needed you. So, that's I don't have a lot.
What do you What do you need me to do? Like, what do you Everything I Everything that I couldn't period that I could not do for myself. Okay. So, I'm just a jerk, y'all. That's basically the bottom line. My mind was made up. It was like, yes, I need this woman in my life. Why did you choose to marry me? Ooh, we going to talk about that right now. I don't think we got time for that.
Let's save that for next episode. I mean, okay. I mean, I feel like we got like a little time. We don't. Not right now. He just don't want to tell me what He don't want to tell me what it is. That's all it is. You don't have to think about it. You got to sleep on it. No, I don't.
I can go right now, but I think Okay, just give me a little bit. Why? Why would you know? No. Well, first of all, I knew immediately like I wanted you in my life cuz you were totally different from any person I'd ever talked to. Sure. Just from a maturity standpoint, you had your head on your shoulders. You knew what you wanted out of life and I knew that immediately and it didn't take long at all. So, that's that's for one. And I'll tell y'all that the reason one of the well two two of the reasons why I chose to marry you is because about Colm Smile.
Okay. And he listened to me y'all. I talk a lot. And he was the only person that would be like, "Hold on, babe. Wait till after commercial." Like like I'm playing Madden. Just give me one second. Hold on. And I'll be like, "Okay, I want to hear you, but I'm I'm in the middle of this Madden game." But that was 20 years ago. So, I don't play Madden no more. I know.
But you still listen to me. I do. I do. Anyway, I guess the bottom line is, you know, think about what you say and how it might land. Um, yeah, it's really easy to be individualistic in a relationship. It in a marriage, but you really do need one another. Um, and every each person brings something unique and special to the table that needs to be respected and needs to be appreciated. And Um, you don't know what you have until you don't have it. And you don't want to find out what you need when it's gone. So preach Um, preach.
So I'm glad that I got you. Hey, I'm glad I you got me, too. All right, y'all. We'll see y'all next time. Peace.
