Eps. 36 - Imposter Syndrome
We often hear about imposter syndrome in corporate careers, but what happens when you feel like a fraud inside your own marriage?
In this episode of Brutiful Marriage, we open up about the hidden insecurities that shaped our early years together. We discuss the pressure of feeling like you don't have the "playbook" on how to be a husband or wife, meeting silent expectations, and the trap of tying your worth to performance.
From navigating undiagnosed ADHD and car repairs to running on empty trying to be "Superwoman," we explore how dropping pride, seeking community, and embracing rest can heal imposter syndrome at home.
Key highlights from this conversation:
Recognizing imposter syndrome and feeling unworthy in marriage
Entering marriage without an example vs. having rigid expectations
Performance-based love: Why overachieving exhausts your relationship
How pride prevents men from asking for help and guidance
Redefining partnership, finding community, and learning that rest is part of the work
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Frequently Asked Questions
What does imposter syndrome look like in marriage?
Imposter syndrome in marriage sounds like,“If my spouse really knew me, would they still choose me?” It can show up as perfectionism, constant reassurance-seeking, hiding your struggles, overworking, or quietly believing you are one mistake away from being exposed as a bad spouse. [talkspace.com]
The brutal part is that your spouse may already love the real you. The battle is getting the voice in your head to believe them.
Why do I feel like I am failing my spouse when they say I am doing fine?
Because sometimes your spouse is not the one grading you. You are.
You may be measuring yourself against your childhood, your parents’ marriage, social media, cultural expectations, or a job description for “good spouse” that nobody actually gave you. Crystal realized she was wearing herself out trying to meet standards Doc had never asked her to meet. [gottman.com]
Before you work harder, ask your spouse what they genuinely need. You may discover that you have been running a race they never entered you in.
Can childhood experiences affect how I show up in marriage?
Absolutely. We do not walk into marriage empty-handed. We bring our family models, fears, coping habits, assumptions about love, and definitions of what husbands and wives are “supposed” to do.
The Gottman Institute explains that early relationships with caregivers can shape expectations about love, safety, and responsiveness in adult relationships. Recognizing those patterns does not mean blaming your childhood for everything. It means understanding what shaped you so it does not quietly run your marriage. [gottman.com]
Why do I need constant reassurance from my spouse?
Reassurance-seeking can be a sign that part of you still does not trust that love can remain when you are not performing. Your spouse may say,“I love you,” while insecurity answers,“Okay, but are you sure?”
In the episode, Crystal describes needing repeated confirmation that she was loved and doing a good job as a wife. The reassurance helped momentarily, but the deeper work involved understanding where the doubt originated. [gottman.com]
Reassurance is not wrong. It just cannot heal a belief you refuse to examine.
Can imposter syndrome show up in a healthy marriage?
Yes, because a healthy relationship does not automatically silence an unhealthy inner narrative.
Sometimes being deeply loved actually exposes the parts of you that still feel unlovable. Relationship imposter syndrome can include fearing that your partner has overestimated you or will eventually discover that you are not worthy of the relationship. [coupleslearn.com], [psychcentral.com]
The beautiful opportunity is that healthy love gives you a safer place to bring those fears into the light.
How can expectations about being a husband create imposter syndrome?
A husband may quietly believe he should automatically know how to lead, provide, repair things, solve problems, manage money, and hold everything together. When those skills or examples are missing, insecurity can sound like,“A real husband would already know how to do this.”
Doc shares that he entered marriage without a clear playbook and worried he would eventually be exposed as unqualified. His confidence began growing when he stopped hiding, listened to his wife, and sought guidance from trusted men.
Not knowing does not make you a fraud. Refusing to learn can keep you stuck.
How can expectations about being a wife create imposter syndrome?
A wife may feel pressure to be nurturing, productive, successful, attractive, emotionally available, spiritually grounded, and somehow well-rested while doing all of it. That is not a standard. That is a setup.
Crystal describes comparing herself to the example she had witnessed growing up and trying to earn reassurance through constant performance. The result was exhaustion from meeting expectations her husband did not actually have.
You do not have to run yourself into the ground proving you deserve a relationship you are already in.
Why do I keep comparing my marriage to other couples?
Because comparison gives you the illusion of information without the inconvenience of context. You see the anniversary photos, vacations, coordinated outfits, and smiling children. You do not see the slammed doors, counseling appointments, awkward silences, repair conversations, and work required to produce the picture.
Idealized relationship images can intensify feelings of inadequacy, especially when you compare someone else’s curated moments to your unedited life. [uncovercou...seling.com]
Let another couple inspire you if they can. Just do not let their highlight reel testify against your marriage.
What role does community play in overcoming imposter syndrome?
Healthy community reminds you that everybody is learning something.
In Episode 36, Doc explains that trusted men gave him practical guidance, challenged his assumptions, and helped him recognize strengths he could not see in himself. They did not tell him he had to know everything. They encouraged him to ask questions, get help, and take responsibility for what needed to be done.
Find people who will offer truth without humiliation, encouragement without enabling, and wisdom without pretending their own marriage came with an instruction manual.
Why is vulnerability important when dealing with insecurity?
Your spouse cannot support what you keep hiding.
When insecurity stays buried, it often escapes sideways as overworking, defensiveness, avoidance, control, or constant requests for reassurance. Vulnerability gives your spouse the real issue instead of making them fight with the symptom. Episode 36 emphasizes humility and transparency as essential parts of moving through imposter syndrome together.
Vulnerability may feel risky, but pretending creates distance while honesty creates a chance for connection.
How do I know whether insecurity is covering a deeper issue?
Ask what the behavior is trying to protect.
Sometimes “I am not a good spouse” is covering fear of rejection. Sometimes poor follow-through is connected to executive-functioning challenges. Sometimes constant productivity is rooted in a childhood belief that performance earns approval. In Episode 36, Doc and Crystal discover that some of their visible struggles were connected to ADHD, family expectations, identity, and performance-based thinking.
Do not stop at“What is wrong with me?” Ask,“Where did I learn this, what triggers it, and what support would help me respond differently?”
Why do high achievers struggle with imposter syndrome?
Because achievement can become proof of worth instead of an expression of ability.
When your identity is built around producing, accomplishing, or being impressive, rest can feel irresponsible and ordinary mistakes can feel like exposure. Talkspace describes imposter syndrome as involving self-doubt, difficulty internalizing success, and attributing accomplishments to luck rather than ability. [talkspace.com]
Crystal describes pushing herself so hard that she was no longer giving her marriage the best of her. That is why one of the strongest truths from this episode is simple: rest is part of the work.
What does the Bible say about receiving good things from God?
James 1:17 teaches that every good and perfect gift comes from above, while Matthew 7:11 describes the Father as one who gives good things to His children. These passages ground God’s gifts in His goodness, not our flawless performance. [openbible.info], [biblehub.com]
That matters when imposter syndrome starts whispering that you tricked your way into a blessing. You do not have to be perfect to receive something good from a good God. The invitation is to steward the gift with gratitude, humility, faith, and growth rather than exhaust yourself trying to prove you deserved it.
How can couples overcome imposter syndrome together?
Start by telling the truth about what is happening beneath the performance.
Ask each other:
What are you afraid I will discover about you?
What expectation are you trying to meet?
Did that expectation come from me or somewhere else?
Where do you need reassurance?
Where do you need support, mentorship, or professional help?
What would it look like to stop performing and let yourself be known?
Episode 36 points couples toward honest communication, humility, community, rest, self-awareness, and faith. Attachment-informed relationship guidance also emphasizes understanding the earlier experiences that shape how people seek closeness and security. [gottman.com]
The goal is not to convince your spouse that they never struggle. The goal is to create a marriage where neither person must pretend to be perfect to feel safe, loved, and worthy of being in the room.
Full Transcript
Edited for readability while preserving the full conversation, humor, and meaning of the original recording.
00:00 Hey y'all. We are gonna get right to it today. because we got a really good topic. Oh yeah. Yeah. So I don't know if you guys have heard of imposter syndrome. I know you're probably used to it when it comes to corporate America, but imposter syndrome you feel like you're a fraud. Well, today we're going to talk about imposter syndrome in a marriage. Yeah. Like we most recently talked about the how you got to sit in it with your
00:30 spouse. If y'all haven't seen that episode, go on and run that back. Check it out. But before you can sit in it with your spouse, you got to feel worthy to be in the room. You got to feel worthy of their time, attention, all of that stuff. And if you out here feeling like you're an impostor, it ain't going to work too. But I think it's probably more prevalent than we think. say more. Meaning that I think well I know for me I just I know I just I wanted to
01:00 get married. I knew nothing about all the inner workings. I just know I wanted to get married, you know. Why did you want to be married so good? I I know I wanted a family. Okay. I knew I wanted a family. I know I wanted kids. I knew I wanted the union, right? Even though I grew up in a single family household, I knew marriage is what I wanted, right? Yeah. And so I remember once we got married feeling like okay so what's next like we got married now what do we do like what's what's the next step and so
01:30 from jump street from jump street I feel like an impostor really yeah from jump street so my side of the coin is a little bit different okay so I struggled with feeling like I was worthy of your attention, okay? Or your time, okay? Or whatever. It's like just needing that constant reassurance that like you love me and that everything's okay and you
02:00 know we're happy together. And I can just remember you being like, "Babe, yes, I love you. Dang." Like it's kind of like that episode of Martin, will you marry me? G. No. It's it's it's like that. and and that caused a lot of like frustration for you because you were like I'm saying the thing and you ain't believing the thing but it really wasn't about what you were saying and it was more so about how I was feeling in the context of our relationship and
02:30 the impostor syndrome comes from things that have nothing to do with your spouse. So I grew up in a two parent household. our parents have been on the podcast and I learned how to be a wife. Yeah. By watching them, you know, I how what we're what a wife was supposed to do, what a husband was supposed to do, and how a husband and a wife were supposed to relate to each other. And so, I had very specific expectations or at least a very
03:00 spe specific idea, a picture in my head of what marriage was going to look like for me. Okay. And so for you it was a little different. Yeah. Yeah. There was no example that was very close by. So when I when I said I felt like an impostor from the jump, that's why it's because I didn't have a playbook to go off of. No one told me the conversations that I need to expect. It was just like I just know I want to be
03:30 married. Knew I want to be married. So what was the definition of good for you in a marriage? Well, let me if I go back 20 years ago. rewind. Yeah, rewind. providing Don't cheat on you. Okay. don't yell at you. don't raise my voice. That's the same thing as you don't get to count that one. Yeah. Why not? Cuz Well, raising your voice and yell two different things. But, you know, e either way either way, it was a very
04:00 very minimal expectation. I'mma tell you right now that I'm so happy that you never told me that's what you expected your job to be as my husband because that is the floor. I know the floor of basics. And that's all I knew though. I mean that's what I thought that's what I thought I knew was just she said yes. I'mma be a nice guy. So what did you think we were going to do as like married people? Just I you know be happy and have fun. That's [laughter] it. like we gonna go
04:30 on dates and and I'm going to always open the door for you and be a good person. I'm be a good person. That and that's how I thought a husband's job would be a good person. Yeah. No. Yeah. Yeah. That happened quickly. I found out that's it was more to it than that. Well, and to get back to the impostor piece of it, you were feeling like you didn't know how to husband because you didn't have an
05:00 example. How did that manifest for you? How did that show up? Well, you can probably speak to it. I know how it showed up for me. I when I say when I think about impostor, right, I'm thinking, man, is she going to come out here one day and ask me to change the oil? [laughter] Cuz I don't know how to do that. I'm I'm not I don't know how to change the oil. Yeah. So, I would think about all the things that I thought a man should do, a husband should do in a marriage, and I'm like, I don't know how to do half this stuff.
05:30 And so, I figured if I just kept being nice [laughter] and doing all the other things that you would never find me out. And so, when you say how did it manifest, it just I thought I was just hiding it. Yeah. and hiding is how it was manifesting. Yeah. You know, so and you know, you know, if you with anybody for any length of time, you can tell when they hiding something for you from you or when there's something on
06:00 their mind that they're not sharing. Yeah. And for us, it was hard to admit to our impostor syndrome. Like we I know that you struggled with admitting like I don't know how to do this. Oh, that was h How did you learn? How did you get over the hump of not knowing how to husband? you know, a good circle. Yeah. Yeah. I finally, you know, found a good group of men that would let me know
06:30 like, "Hey, dog, you tripping." [laughter] Like, "I don't know if you know." Like, "No, I don't know. I don't. That's why I'm here. Like, tell me what I need to do. So, I had a good a good circle of men to kind of guide me and give me more guidance in how to husband a certain way. and also start listening to you and what you what you wanted, right? And even then it still was a struggle cuz again half the stuff I just didn't know like she want this. How the heck I don't I got to make a phone call cuz I
07:00 am I am out here lost in this world. I'm a nice guy, but I like that's all I had. So, I want you to think about this for a minute and and think through like what it was that you learned from your community about being a husband that helped you believe who you are. Yeah. so I want you to think about that a little bit and while you think about that, I'll just say that I had a very rigid view of what a
07:30 marriage was supposed to be. I fully expected Doc to do all of the manly things, okay? Cutting the grass, changing the oil, killing the bugs, you know, change brake pads, changing the brake pad. We got a whole family of mechanics on my side. We they race cars. I mean, we're like a car family. So, I if anything ever breaks with a car, my expect I'm looking at you like, you gonna fix that, right?
08:00 Anything that breaks, you fix it. Yes. That's what you do. and it was my job to do other gendered roles that were really kind of obtuse to me. Like I'm like, I'm not cooking every day. I don't want to do that. But you know what? You say that, but I remember early on you would get frustrated because you like I don't know how my mom did this. Oh, absolutely. You felt like once you got off work, you had to come home, you had to cook the meal, you had to do all the things. You're like, I don't know how did
08:30 she do this? And do it every day. I mean, every day, but not every day, but multiple times a day. My mama was cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And that was on the weekends because my mom was working. But she on the weekends, honey, she was cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She would have a whole Sunday dinner made before we went to church. [laughter] And I'm like, "Well, did you wake up at 2 in the morning? Like, how did you do this?" And that was before we had kids. Yeah, I know. I remember. So, I remember thinking my mom one
09:00 superwoman Shira, she had a cape and everything. Yeah. And then I was also feeling like, well, dang. Like, I can't do that. like I I have too many things to do and I didn't want to let you down. Like I And by saying that, me letting or me feeling like I was letting you down was in was in the context of you not knowing what I was supposed to be [laughter] doing in the first place. Yeah. Yeah. And so it was kind of like that's why I
09:30 would always check in and be like, "Hey babe, like how are you doing? Is everything okay?" like, you know, it because I just needed that reassurance of like, okay, you're doing a good job being a good wife. Like, and that's like before we start talking about keep it tight, keep it right, get the hair done, the nails done, the feet done, be cute, drink your water, you [laughter] know, all the things, I was tired before I even did anything. Right. Right. And so, impostor syndrome for me was really loud early on in our marriage
10:00 because I just didn't want to fail you. I didn't want to I didn't want to fall short of your expectations for what a wife was supposed to be. Yeah. And then I also felt a sense of responsibility and accountability to my own parents to be a good wife, you know, and to be the daughter that they raised me to be. Yeah. and so for y'all that are listening or watching, it's like you got to think about what that thing is for you. Like imposter syndrome does not discriminate. Okay.
10:30 Sure don't. Whether you are in a marriage, whether you're wondering why you got that corner office in and in the in that promotion, whether you feel like you deserve that role in the movie or whatever the case, whatever the case may be, that blessing that came unexpectedly, you got to believe that you're worthy of what God gives you because he gives us good things. Yes. And you are amazing. Yeah. [laughs] And so I'm worthy of that. Yeah. And so you start to kind of shift the way you think about it. Yeah.
11:00 It's like, well, he who finds a wife finds a good thing. You ain't lying about that. Shoot, you found me. So, [laughter] when the track career took a shift, and providing financially started to change a little bit, it was like, okay, dude, you have to step it up and do more. Because the one thing that I that made me feel, you know, somewhat of a man, a husband is I was doing okay financially. Mhm. Well, once that kind of disappeared or
11:30 or dwindled and got a little smaller, it was like, "Okay, so what can I stand on now?" Right. And the whole good guy thing was gone at this point. Good guy was had his nose in the corner. Like you be a good guy over there. That part that was out the door. So I think that was the time I realized, okay, dude, you have to quote unquote man up. Mhm. Like you have to man up and figure out how to be the husband, the man that she
12:00 needs. but I'll tell you up until then impostor. Yeah. Yeah. Big time. So building the bridge and walking across that impostor syndrome river running through your head is rough is really a exercise in humility. Yeah. It's an exercise in transparency. Yeah. And you got to think about where it's coming from because it's not coming from usually. It's not coming from your spouse. It's coming from your own
12:30 expectations or your own lived experience and own insecurities and your own insecurities like big time because I and I want to touch on that because I I know your background. I know the men in your life and it was 3,200 of them [laughter] that you know I remember when I first met you and we went to dinner or we went to one of your family members home and I remember you walked in the house the door shut it's like a scene out of a movie I'm outside seriously like 17
13:00 grown men No he's not lying y'all got a lot of like 17 grown men grilling me so you were in a circle too they had you in the middle of a circle yeah it was almost like an initiation [laughter] it was I was I was somewhat intimidated But I was confident. Yeah. You know, but knowing that I felt like it exposed a lot of my insecurities in the sense of man, can I be the man she needs me to be? Cuz I'm looking at the men in her life and it like they got it going on. So I'm trying to hold myself to that standard.
13:30 And that's just not even clue, you know, dad, brother, brother, everybody else. But dad, brother, brother was like, I know they had an expectation for one daughter and hey dog that's my little sister. So I need you to, you know, hand, you know, handle your business. And so that exposure to my insecurities weighed heavy on me for a while. What did you do to get over the insecurity? Like I know that you've talked to my brothers. I know you talked
14:00 to my dad. I know you talked to your friends. like what was that conversation like and what made you be willing to have it cuz it's like we Well, you know what? I'll say that we say imposter syndrome, right? Yeah. But you do in having those conversations, you realize not everybody always has the answers. You know, it's a lot of people that go through these things or quote unquote imposter syndrome and them just kind of assuring me like, hey, no, it's okay,
14:30 but what you going to do about it? Mhm. Like, oh no, you going to fail. No. Okay, you don't have to change a tire. Go get the ch tire changed. [laughter] Like, you ain't got to, you know, not change brake pads, but go get it done, you know, like figure out a way. Yeah. Yeah. Make it happen, right? And so like, ah, okay. But cuz the way I felt was, man, I got to know how to change this oil and your list was just getting longer and I made it longer and longer like no dog, like there's some stuff you do.
15:00 And they would tell me like, "No, this stuff that you do I'm not good at, but you're wonderful at." Yeah. I'm trying to figure out how you do that. So, it was having that conversation like, "You're okay, but make it happen." Yeah. You can't just let it sit there. And one of the things that we learned, right, kind of going back to the back to impostor syndrome and kind of like the way that you feel about what you can or cannot do or how good or good or not good you are is that you once
15:30 you finally sit with your spouse and say, "How are you feeling? How are you doing?" Right? you learn that you're not really dealing with the insecurity so much as you are maybe dealing with a real underlying issue. Yeah. So like for Doc, we learned that, you know, his, you know, not follow-through, like you wasn't going get that oil change, you were not getting the back brake pads
16:00 changed. Right. That had less to do with his desire and more to do with your ADHD. Yes. Been a problem. me and my insecurities really had to do with being raised in an environment where your performance is what rewarded you. Right, wrong or indifferent. No malice, right? But you know, you get a on your math test when you're little and you get $2. And if
16:30 [laughter] you get a B, you get $1. inflation has affected those prices. But, you know, I just remember that performance reward relationship. And so, I always felt like I needed to do and do and do. And in doing, I was being a good wife. And in doing, I was running myself into the ground, burning both ends of the candlestick, making myself absolutely crazy, and meeting an expectation that
17:00 he didn't have. Yeah. Zero. And I remember early on I was like why are you working so hard like what are you what like what are you trying to prove and prove it to who? Because I'm happy like I like you what you do. I'm I am satisfied but like you say it was more than about you or about me. It was it was your background. Yeah. And you want to achieve the next great thing. Okay. That one's done on to neck. Like you I think one morning you woke up I don't know if you had your glasses on, your socks was backwards. I don't know what
17:30 it [laughter] was, but you was just hot tailing out of the house like, "Hey, I love you." You're like, "Oh, yeah. Love you, too." And you was gone. Oh, no. That was our anniversary one year. I remember one year we woke up. Oh, yeah. And I was freaking out because I was late for work. I had a meeting with a VP that I supported and I had a 45-minute drive between me and that office and I was just undone. Talk about hair on fire, honey. Yeah. And I was just throwing my clothes on,
18:00 brushing my teeth, combing my hair, and I was like, "Okay, I love you. Bye." And Doc grabbed my hand. I remember this as I'm like stepping into the garage, getting ready to get in the car, and he's like, "Happy anniversary, babe." I remember. And I remember such a person. I remember that broke you. And I wasn't even trying to break. It that wasn't even intent. It was just kind of You did it. I mean, you did it so sweetly and so gently, but I was like, "Oh my god, I forgot today was our anniversary." Knowing that I didn't
18:30 forget because it was in my calendar. It's in my heart. It's in my head. I get the ding-dongs. I knew. But in that moment, I woke up in such a kerfuffle. Yeah. That's all I could see. I was like, I got to I got to do the thing cuz if I don't do the thing, then I'm going to they're going to think I'm not a good worker and if I'm not a good worker, then I'm not going to be, you know, respected. And D. And that was like a coping pattern. Yeah. For everything, including my marriage. Yeah. You know, we we've come a long way since then.
19:00 We've come a long way since then. I would say too, like for everybody out there who's ambitious and chasing their tail like I do, you [laughter] know, rest is part of the work. you cannot deplete yourself to please someone else. you got to pour into your own cup. so and then you got to have enough left to pour out into them. Yeah. And I realized that I was not giving him the best of me because I was
19:30 so busy doing all the things from my own impostor syndrome and insecurities. Yeah. So it's just worth it's worth thinking about. Yeah. And I'll say for the for the men or anyone mainly men particularly when do it's okay to ask somebody. It's it's okay to ask somebody and that's where you know I think a while back we talked about pride. Pride is overrated like you know I can almost remember like it was getting tough because I'm not following through on anything but I'm
20:00 also too prideful to ask for help you know. So I would say just ask somebody because I guarantee somebody has gone through this and you got to pick your poison. [laughter] You got to you either gonna get it over here you gonna get it over there. But either way, you got to figure out a way to make whatever the thing is happen. And No. No. Ain't no pick no poison. Go get the help. Don't Don't get it on that end. No. No poison. No. Hell no. Okay. Don't pick your poison. I'll take that back. Get the help cuz that side is not
20:30 fun. Yeah. Yeah. Cuz you know, you end up sitting in it. [laughter] All right, y'all. So, just know today that whatever insecurities might be floating around in your head, take the time to talk to your spouse about it. and just let them see your heart. let them hear your heart and trust that because God gives us good things and he brings good people into our lives that they will receive it in love and help you. Yes.
21:00 Through it. Yes. Agreed. [laughter] All right, y'all. Well, that is all we got for today. check us out on beautifulmarriage.com. Yeah, we got some good things cooking. Yes, we do. Got some good things cooking. Stay tuned. All right, y'all. Have a good one. See you.
