Episode Summary

What does “nothing” really mean when your spouse asks what you’re thinking? In this funny but surprisingly layered conversation, Doc and Crystal explore the difference between withholding, processing, random thoughts, and simply not being ready to share. The bigger question becomes how couples can respect each other’s internal processing without making silence feel like secrecy.

In This Episode, We Discuss

• What “nothing” can mean when a spouse asks what you’re thinking

• The difference between privacy and withholding information

• Why one spouse may want an immediate answer while the other needs time

• Being honest when you aren’t ready to share a thought

• Using clearer language instead of leaving your spouse guessing

CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION

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Frequently Asked Questions

Do I have to tell my spouse everything I’m thinking?
The episode recognizes that people constantly have thoughts they may not need or want to share. The important distinction is being honest about whether the thought is irrelevant, still being processed, or something you are intentionally not ready to discuss.

What can I say instead of “nothing” when I’m not ready to talk?
Crystal suggests language such as“I’m not quite ready to share” or“I need to think about it a little bit longer.” That gives your spouse more information without forcing you into a conversation before you are ready.

Why does “nothing” sometimes create conflict in marriage?
If a spouse senses that something is being withheld, “nothing” can create uncertainty about what is actually happening. The episode explores how clearer communication can help distinguish a random thought from something important that still needs processing.

Should couples give each other time to process before talking?
The conversation acknowledges that sometimes a person genuinely needs more time before discussing a thought. Saying that directly can communicate the need for space without pretending there is nothing to discuss.

Transcript

What we’re going to talk about tonight is: when is the right time to actually say what you’re thinking, what’s on your mind?

I think it’s interesting because the other night we were having a conversation, and I got really quiet. He said, “What were you thinking?”

I said, “Oh, nothing.”

And he was like, “Lie.”

He said, “You don’t know how to not think, because you don’t.”

And I sat there for a little bit like, Do I know how to not think? Am I thinking right now about not thinking?

It got kind of comedic because I was thinking, Your brain never shuts off.

No, it never shuts off, even when you’re quiet.

Your brain is constantly thinking something. Whether you choose to say it or not is your choice.

So depending on the situation, if you get quiet and someone asks what you’re thinking and you say, “Oh, nothing,” that’s a lie.

I mean, it’s a lie.

What if you can’t remember what you were thinking in the moment?

No, that’s okay. But for the most part, you know exactly what you were thinking. You know what you wanted to say in that moment. You just chose not to.

I’m still stuck on the fact that you never stop thinking. What happens when you go to sleep? You go to sleep and dream, and you don’t always remember the dream.

Does that mean you didn’t think in your sleep?

You were asleep! You had no control. You had a dream. You don’t control your dreams. You can’t just pick and choose, “You know what? I’m going to dream about this tonight.”

I mean, I guess you can hope.

Yeah, you can hope for it, but the brain never stops.

Okay. If we’re in a random conversation and I get quiet and you say, “What were you thinking?” and I say, “Nothing,” you’re going to say, “No, what were you thinking?”

At that time, I might be thinking, Man, do squirrels fart?

Absolutely nothing to do with what we’re talking about.

Yeah. And I don’t necessarily want to say, “I was thinking about whether squirrels fart.” I don’t want to talk about that in that moment.

But how do you discern when the person is willfully withholding information versus simply not wanting to disclose whatever they were thinking?

That’s on them. They’re still choosing whether to say something or not. I don’t think it’s about discerning anything. It’s the person who isn’t saying whatever it is choosing whether they want to share that information.

I know. But maybe that’s the point for us.

If we’re having a conversation and I ask, “What are you thinking about?” and you say, “Nothing,” maybe the answer should be, “It doesn’t have anything to do with what we’re talking about.”

Or, “You know what? I’m not quite ready to share. I probably need to spend a little more time fleshing it out.”

Because if you’re never not thinking, then “nothing” is a lie.

So the flip side of that would be: always tell the truth.

But if you don’t want to say, “I’m thinking about whether squirrels fart,” is that when you say, “Not relevant,” or “I’m choosing not to say anything about that right now”?

How do you say it?

You could say, “Honestly, I was thinking something really random that had nothing to do with this, but I am paying attention.”

Okay.

Because if you say “nothing,” but you’ve already established that you’re always thinking, then technically...

We disagree. I don’t think me not saying it is a lie.

I’m just choosing not to say it.

But this is what I’m getting at.

When you’re really trying to get to the meat and potatoes of an issue, like if we’re having a disagreement, and I say, “Well, what are you thinking?” and you say, “Nothing,” I’m wondering whether you’re withholding that information because you don’t think I’m ready to hear it or because you think saying it could damage the relationship.

Okay, now we’re getting somewhere.

That’s what I mean when I say if you’re always thinking and you say “nothing,” then that’s a lie.

Okay. Fine.

But how do you know whether the person genuinely had a brain fart and can’t remember what they were thinking, was thinking about squirrels and doesn’t want you to think they weren’t paying attention, or was thinking something they know probably shouldn’t come out of their mouth right then?

How do you know the difference?

I don’t think you do.

I don’t think you know the difference.

That’s crazy-making!

That’s why you ask the question.

I’d rather know you were thinking about squirrels than hear “nothing,” because “nothing” makes me feel like you’re kicking the can down the road.

I want to talk about it right now.

Well, that’s kind of the same thing. If I say, “I’m thinking something, but I don’t want to talk about it right now...”

Ooh. I don’t know if that works.

That is a lie and a half.

That’s not a lie! Saying, “I don’t want to talk about it right now,” is the truth.

It just might not be well received, which is probably why people say “nothing.”

Nothing right now.

Nothing at the moment that I want to talk about or discuss.

I don’t know what y’all think, because something about this conversation still rubs me wrong.

First of all, I’m never not thinking.

Okay, well...

Did we ever figure out what happens with dreams?

We don’t know what happens. It’s out of control.

But what if you remember the dream? Does that mean you remember your thoughts?

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

Help us.

The point is, if you have something you’re withholding for a reason, maybe the best course of action is simply to say, “I’m not quite ready to share,” or “I need to think about it a little bit longer.”

I guess I’m going to go with, “Nothing right now.”

All right. Well, y’all be the judge because clearly we’re still trying to figure this one out.

I’m going to go Google whether squirrels fart.

Man, come on.

Okay, goodbye.