Episode Description

Doc and Crystal unpack the expectations they brought into marriage from different family backgrounds, gender roles, and personal habits. They explain how assumptions about cooking, fixing things, household responsibilities, and communication created friction when those expectations were never actually discussed.

What We Get Into in This Episode

• How family history shapes marital expectations

• Why premarital questions can feel uncomfortable

• Assumptions about household and gender roles

• The cost of expecting your spouse to just know

• How direct conversations prevent resentment

CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION

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Frequently Asked Questions

What are unspoken expectations in marriage?

They are private assumptions about what a spouse should do, know, or understand even though the expectation was never clearly discussed.

How do unspoken expectations create resentment?

One spouse feels repeatedly disappointed while the other is being graded against a standard they did not know existed.

How can couples communicate expectations more clearly?

Name the expectation directly, explain why it matters, and work toward a shared agreement instead of relying on mind reading.

Transcript

Hey, what's up y'all? We back. We saying we back. We've been here. Uh, call it what you want. Call it what you want. No, but hey y'all. So, expectations. Yes. We talked about I don't know if Okay.

So, what we did thinking that we were like really smart back when we got married is um we did this we got this book. I got this book called 101 questions to ask before you get married. And you're supposed to ask all the questions and write them down and talk about them and all this stuff. And um I think we probably got to like the third page. And I don't know. I don't know what happened after that, but um it got Well, I know what happened. It got uncomfortable. It got weird. Like why you asking me about my mama? Why you asking me about my bank account?

Why you what I mean? Like it got like real squishy. And um I being being a communicator, being somebody who's naturally curious, you know, I like the back and forth and the banter of what do you think about this and what do you think about this and what do you think, you know, and that is like poison ivy hives and mosquito bites to him. Don't like it. So not a fan. Well, I am highly energized by that type of banter. Um, he ain't. So, anyway, we didn't get to talk as much about what we thought marriage looked like on us. Yeah. And um the problem with that is that we just kind of let marriage tell us who we what what it was going to look like.

And that's a recipe for disaster. Yes, it is. Um, we had some disasters. Um, you know, we had, you know, I grew up in a two parent household. You know, super duper alpha male, Um, super duper alpha men, brothers, and a very dynamic generational mix. Right. So, my dad is a traditionalist. Y'all go look that up. My mama's a boomer. My brothers are Gen Xers.

And then I'm a zenial. Look that up, too. So, I'm just like this gumbo of expectations. Yeah. And I grew up single family, you know, one parent household and that and that's what it was. So merging those two um caused a little friction because again expectations were not discussed or expressed. Yeah. And so like when you said we were just letting marriage marriage Yeah. marriage was telling us how it was going to be for us. Yeah.

And it wasn't great. I mean he he just from a you know it probably seems simple, right? is expectation that I'm gonna always take out the trash or that I'm cooking every day. Yeah. Like who I'm not making plates. I'm not going to do that. I mean, maybe if the spirit leads me or or if it's broke, I'm automatically going to fix it just cuz I'm the man. Like that's what's supposed to happen. And listen, I'm not a handyman at all. And I am not Well, no, you Martha Stewart.

Nah, you can cook. meaning it gives me joy. I know, but you and I love to feed people and I'm good at cooking, but I don't want it on me like skin. Like, I want to put it on when I feel that the outfit is called for a moment. I know, right? So, okay. That being said, though, when am I supposed to know that you don't want to cook? You're not. And that's the point. Like you're supposed to talk about stuff.

Yeah. Like when I supposed to know you don't feel like cooking besides when I come home and yo nothing made and you just like I didn't feel like it. And this is why we're married. Like because he says these types of things that make so much sense and you're like that is right. So y'all don't be out here just expecting stuff to metriculate the way that you think it's supposed to bounce. ball ain't going to bounce the way that you think it's supposed to bounce. If you ain't talking about, okay, I am going to do I'm doing a slam dunk today. Talk about it. Look, no matter how uncomfortable, talk about it. If you throwing me an alleyoop and I don't know that I'm supposed to catch it, I mean, then I'm looking at you like, "What the hell you doing?

Why you throwing balls at me?" You got to talk about it. You got to talk about it. So, cuz man, I'm telling you, if you don't it. This y'all catch that later. He won't. Anyway, y'all. So, listen. The bottom line on expectations is talk about it. Like, you just no matter how stupid it sounds, no matter how milky you might feel, whatever the thing is. And fellas, fellas, listen.

No matter how painful it is, how uncomfortable. I know you don't like to talk or communicate me. Just you don't like to talk to me. Hey y'all, just listen. You be surprised what come talk about that after this. um and you know it come when it comes to listening, right? um we can tee up next time. Not necessarily just a phase but maybe like a part B on this. um Bible has a whole lot of very clear instructions on what we supposed to do and this is a age old debate conversation. Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and wives submit to your husbands.

We who we'll talk about as unto we'll talk about that later. Okay. Yes. We see y'all later. Back.