Eps. 9: Going to Bed Angry
Episode Description
Doc and Crystal challenge the easy slogan “never go to bed angry” by talking honestly about avoidance, silent treatment, pursuit, resentment, and the courage required to name hurt directly. Repair begins when both spouses stop expecting mind reading and speak clearly.
What We Get Into in This Episode
Why unresolved conflict grows overnight
The pursue-and-withdraw cycle
How silence can build resentment
Why vulnerability takes courage
Addressing hurt sooner rather than later
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
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Frequently Asked Questions
Is it wrong to go to bed angry with your spouse?
The episode focuses less on a rigid bedtime rule and more on addressing hurt before avoidance, silent punishment, and resentment become entrenched.
Why is the silent treatment harmful in marriage?
It leaves the actual hurt unspoken, requires the other spouse to guess, and allows resentment to grow without creating a path toward repair.
What is the pursue-withdraw cycle?
It happens when one spouse pushes for immediate engagement while the other retreats, causing the pursuit and withdrawal to intensify each other.
Full Transcript
Why is it always like this? I don't know. I'm weird. Uh, hey y'all. So, shut up. We promised last time that we were going to pull from our little jar that we found um during our calamities last week. And the one that we pulled, where'd it go? Okay. It says, "Never go to bed mad. Pray on whatever is going on.
A marriage is like a job. You have to work at it. Always keep God first. All right. So, I'mma tell y'all right now. Uh we have definitely I me myself and I have failed miserably at this. um I we probably should have looked in this jar a little earlier. Yeah. um we should have we should have we did not. We did not.
But what I can say is that what we've learned I would say pretty recently is very similar to not going to bed mad. It's nipping stuff in the bud. So, like if you're feeling away about something, um, just address it like immediately, as soon as you can. Yeah. And and truth be told, I Me, yourself, and you. Yeah. All three of us. I have not been the best at nipping things in the bud. I was notorious for letting things linger or not saying anything and just let the Yeah. It was like, "Ooh, maybe if I just pretend it's not there, then then she going to forget and she won't be mad no more." And guess who has an elephant's memory?
I be like, "So at 8:03 on Tuesday, you said, you know, and I'm" and I'm also notorious for um the silent treatment. I can go and y'all who know me know that I am not a silent human. I have vocal. Yes. um so for me to go silent and to give the silent treatment is a pretty big deal. um but it doesn't solve anything and it just allows things to fester. It builds resentment and then when you build resentment then you start losing respect and that is just b a d bad. um, it's just a whirlwind of of it's like a vicious cycle, you know, also known as the crazy cycle. Yeah. And we'll talk about that, too.
Yeah. Well, I mean, I guess we could talk about it a little bit now because the crazy cycle is usually why we go to bed mad. um, it's when, for example, something happens and Doc is running away from it and I am running toward it and then I get mad cuz I can't catch him. Yeah. Yeah, I'm mad cuz she's still chasing. And then I go radio silent and it stays like they can stay like that for weeks, days. I am I am committed. Okay. um, so in order to keep that cycle from spinning, you got to nip it in the bud. um, and it takes a lot of humility.
It takes a lot of I would say courage. It does take courage because you got to be like and sometimes you don't you don't want to like me personally it's like oh man do I really want to deal with this right now like I don't I is it that bad man yes I'll be mad as you man you be hot okay yes it's like I don't I do have a hot sauce named after me whatever but just yeah just address it's it has bowed well for us lately uh even, you know, gritting my teeth and speaking up and saying something, it helps get off the crazy cycle a lot sooner. Well, and like the admitting your feelings, right? Nobody likes to say, "You hurt my feelings." It's way easier to be pissed off and just be a jerk. I'm wonderful at it. I have a PhD in being, yes, a jerk. We'll just say jerk. um, so I you know what keeps me from saying anything? The reason that I can go silent is because it's easier for me to just not say anything cuz I don't want to admit like, "Dude, you hurt my feelings." And I'm sad and I don't like it when you hurt my feelings. Like who wants to do that?
Um, so you know Yeah. And and truth be told, I don't her being silent and I know it's this this it's a gift to him. Yeah. But but also it's that whole you know where y'all think ain't no way he don't know I'm mad at him like but it's like well she ain't he don't he don't know y'all this is this is a a PSA if your dude act like he don't know more likely he don't sometimes he don't and you got to say something it is literally that obvious No it's not yes it is No it's Yes, it is. You after 20 years, you supposed to have some context clues. You supposed to be having some supporting details. Some sometimes we miss it. But the point is, ladies, significant others, you have to be explicit and you got to say it out loud upfront and be very clear. And you have to be, like I said, humble enough to be like, "You hurt my feelings." Yeah. And we got to we got to talk about it sooner than later.
Not go to bed angry. Can't run from it. And you can't you can't smother them and chase them. You just got to like meet in the middle and be like, "All right, let's talk about it." And then you get to go to bed happy. Cool. All right. We'll pull another one out uh next week and we'll talk about that one. Uh let us know thing in the comments, y'all. Yeah. Let me know what y'all be doing when y'all do Who Are we the only ones that go to bed mad or have done that in the past?
Because Yeah. Yeah, y'all y'all can help us out a little bit, too. We'd love to hear from you. So, we'll see you next time. Bye.
