Eps. 35: Sitting in it
What do you do when marriage feels like trying to run through wet sand—and running away isn’t an option?
In this episode of Brutiful Marriage, we dive into the grit required to "sit in it" during life’s hardest relationship seasons. We share our own raw memories of living like ships passing in the night, avoiding tough conversations in park parking lots, and nearly walking away.
We unpack how shifting from critical venom to vulnerable honesty changed everything, why our spouses aren't problems to fix, and how pushing through the final, most grueling 20% of marital friction produces a deeper, unbreakable love.
What we unpack in this episode:
The myth of effortless relationships vs. biblical perseverance
Why you marry your opposite (and how friction produces refinement)
Breaking the cycle of "ships passing in the night" and survival mode
The "Smash Burger" method: Softening your delivery when you feel unheard
The EV battery analogy: Why the last 20% of healing is always the hardest
CONTINUE THE CONVERSATION
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Frequently asked questions
What does "sitting in it" mean in marriage?
"Sitting in it" means resisting the urge to immediately run from discomfort, ignore conflict, or demand an instant resolution. In Episode 35, Doc and Crystal discuss the reality that some issues take time to understand, process, and resolve. Not every challenge can be fixed in a single conversation. Sometimes growth happens because couples remain present long enough to work through the discomfort.
Why do couples avoid difficult conversations?
Difficult conversations often activate fear. People worry about:
Being misunderstood
Being criticized
Starting an argument
Hurting their spouse
Hearing something painful
Avoidance can provide temporary relief, but unresolved issues often grow larger over time.
Is conflict normal in a healthy marriage?
Absolutely. Conflict is not proof that a marriage is unhealthy. Conflict is simply evidence that two imperfect people have different perspectives, needs, expectations, and experiences. The goal is not eliminating conflict. The goal is learning how to navigate it well.
Why do some arguments keep happening?
Recurring arguments often point to unmet needs or unresolved issues. The topic may appear different each time, but the underlying concern may remain the same. Examples include:
Feeling unheard
Feeling unimportant
Feeling disrespected
Feeling disconnected
Feeling overwhelmed
Until the root issue is addressed, the conflict usually returns.
What should I do when my spouse and I see things differently?
Start by focusing on understanding before agreement. Many couples spend so much energy proving their perspective that they never truly listen to their spouse's experience. Understanding does not require agreement. But understanding often creates the empathy needed to move forward. Why is feeling heard so important in marriage? Feeling heard creates emotional safety. Most people do not need their spouse to solve every problem. They need to feel understood. When someone feels ignored, dismissed, interrupted, or invalidated, frustration often grows. Many conflicts improve dramatically when both spouses feel genuinely heard.
How do you stay connected during a difficult season?
Connection requires intentionality. Difficult seasons often tempt couples to isolate, withdraw, or focus solely on getting through the challenge. Strong couples continue to:
Communicate
Check in emotionally
Express appreciation
Spend time together
Give each other grace
Connection rarely happens automatically during stressful seasons.
What if I don't feel understood by my spouse?
Start by communicating the need rather than the frustration. Instead of saying: "You never understand me."
Try: "I don't feel understood right now, and I need you to listen before trying to fix it."
Specific communication often creates better results than generalized criticism.
Can marriage survive seasons of frustration?
Yes. In fact, every long-term marriage experiences periods of frustration. The couples who last are not the couples who avoid difficult seasons. They are the couples who continue choosing each other while working through them. Frustration is not always a sign of failure. Sometimes it is evidence that growth is happening.
Why do people want immediate solutions?
Because uncertainty feels uncomfortable. Most people would prefer a quick answer to a difficult process. Unfortunately, relationships do not always operate on our preferred timelines. Some lessons require patience. Some wounds require healing. Some conversations require repetition. Growth often takes longer than we would like.
What is the difference between enduring and healing?
Enduring means surviving the discomfort. Healing means learning from it and growing through it. Healthy marriages do both. There are seasons where couples simply hold on. There are other seasons where they actively rebuild, reconnect, and repair. The goal is not merely surviving the challenge. The goal is emerging stronger because of it.
How can couples work through emotional distance?
Emotional distance rarely disappears on its own. Couples often need to intentionally:
Communicate more honestly
Spend meaningful time together
Share fears and frustrations
Listen with empathy
Rebuild trust through consistency
Distance is created over time, and connection is often rebuilt the same way.
Does staying in a difficult season mean accepting unhealthy behavior?
No. Episode 35 is about perseverance through normal marital difficulty, not tolerating abuse, manipulation, or harmful behavior. Healthy perseverance involves working through challenges together. It does not require accepting behavior that threatens physical, emotional, or relational safety.
Can uncomfortable seasons strengthen a marriage?
Yes. Many of the deepest levels of intimacy are discovered after couples navigate hardship together. Difficult seasons often teach:
Patience
Compassion
Communication
Humility
Trust
Resilience
The experience may not feel valuable while you're in it, but growth often becomes visible in hindsight.
What is the biggest lesson from Episode 35?
The biggest lesson is that not every difficult season is meant to be escaped. Sometimes the breakthrough you're praying for exists on the other side of a conversation you've been avoiding. Sometimes healing requires sitting in the discomfort long enough to understand what's underneath it. And sometimes the strongest marriages are built by two people who choose to stay present, stay honest, and stay committed even when things are messy. Because running from every difficult season guarantees you never experience what growth looks like on the other side.
How do you know when it's worth staying and working through it?
When both people remain committed to growth. When there is a willingness to communicate. When there is accountability. When there is respect. When there is love underneath the frustration. No marriage is perfect. No spouse is perfect. But when two people continue choosing each other while doing the work, difficult seasons often become the very thing that strengthens the relationship.
full transcript
00:00 Hey y'all, we are back. This is episode 35. Can you believe that? Been rocking, yes. Thank y'all so much for hanging with us, for rocking with us this year. This has been an exciting thing for us to do. We hope that you are enjoying the content. Please continue to like, comment, subscribe, and share. We feel the love and we appreciate you. It's been fun, it's been fine. Today we are talking about sitting in it. You know those times where you just wish that you could get away from whatever it is that's bugging you, that's weighing you down, and you can't run fast enough? It's kind of like you're trying to run through mud or sand. Y'all ever tried to run on sand? It's not good. It's hard. It's hard. It's rough.
00:30 But here's the deal: spoiler alert everybody, having trouble in your life is not a surprise. It shouldn't be a surprise. It shouldn't be, no. Because the Bible says not you might have trials—it don't say just Doc has trials—it says you will have trials. That's James 2 through 4, okay? And you're supposed to consider it joyful when you have various trials. That's comedic to me.
01:00 Yeah, like "Yay, this is really kicking my butt." Be happy that me and you at each other's throat right now, like trials. Be happy about that? Are you serious right now? Yeah, but it says that, you know, the trials are what produce the perseverance. And so when you're going through that thickness with your spouse, right, you do have to kind of just sit in it. And let me tell you: the people who are married and make it, it ain't that they got fewer problems. No. They just have decided, "We going to make this work. We going to make it work. We going to sit in it. We going to sit in the thick of it.".
01:30 Yeah, because like here's the deal, it's real simple. The morning person marries the—oh man, listen—the late night, the night hawk. Basically the person who needs to sleep in the deep black of darkness. Yeah. "I'm a wake up early, I'm going to turn on all lights." The speed demon is going to marry me, the slow person. I'm driving in the right-hand lane, the turtle on wheels. I'm the person in the left lane that you mad at, yes. Yes, you are that person.
02:00 Okay, so anyway, you are meant to be with somebody that is going to cause friction, because friction is what produces fire. Fire produces passion, and fire refines you. Right, and these are real simple examples of those moments, but sometimes sitting in it is really deep and it's really difficult type struggles that you go through.
02:30 And for us, we went through a period of time—we had a couple of struggles, yeah buddy—but we went through a period of time where we just weren't talking. Like it was, you know, you hear the term "like ships passing in the night." Yep. That was literally us. Like it was times where I think we would speak in front of the kids, like in the morning for breakfast and all the activities that happened, but outside of that, we were short—real short—with each other.
03:00 And it was like a survival-type mode, right? We knew we weren't going to get a divorce. No, that wasn't an option. That wasn't an option, but it was, you know, he came close. We did, we came close. Yeah, he came close, very close. But we knew that we were committed to one another, but we just couldn't seem to get on the same page about how to fix the problems that we were having.
03:30 And you know what we eventually came to? We had to have a "come to Jesus" moment and be like, "Look, what we doing?" I think that a lot of it had to do with, one, me trying to fix the things that were frustrating me about you. Right, yeah. I can't make you not be a morning person. I can't make you drive faster. I can't make you not forget things. I can't make you, I don't know, fill in the blank, just as much as you can.
04:00 Yeah, I couldn't. You know, you were short-tempered. I couldn't change that. Not anymore. What else was it? It was a few things that—I know I'm short-tempered, I know that I am definitely impatient at times. Oh my word. Hey, watch it, okay? We're better now, but yeah, I couldn't change that, but I know I wanted to so bad, like almost like, "Why the heck are you—calm down. Just relax. Like relax, it can't happen that fast.".
04:30 And it just—we were so opposite for so long that it caused, like you say, it caused so much friction for us that we would just hit each other's throat a lot. And fire is either going to burn you or it's going to refine you. Yeah, and what I think we've learned is that you have to really, really be intentional about what it is that is underneath the problem. Cuz usually it—you ain't fussing about the thing you fussing about, right?
05:30 You're not fussing because, you know, he left the air condition on 65 and left the house and went to work. You're not fussing about, you know, forgetting to get the groceries at the grocery store. It's usually something much deeper. It's usually "I feel unheard. I feel like you don't listen to me. I feel like I don't matter.". Now that you say that, I remember that when you finally said, you know, you feel unheard cuz I know you used to get upset when I used to fall asleep.
06:00 Oh, wait, timeout. Okay, okay, okay. Me feeling unheard, everyone, news flash, is not for a lack of talking, okay? That's not it. I don't fall short on the words. So I was not unheard because I was not speaking. Yeah, and I remember those times. And at one point, I think you were actually talking to me more than one time, more than two times, more than a few times—a lot of times—where you were talking, I would literally just fall asleep. Y'all ever seen White Chicks when Marlon Wayans was talking to his wife at the dinner table and he was like [nodding off]? That real-life experience, that was me. Yes, and I remember sometimes I would wake up like, "I fell asleep, didn't I?" And I just be looking, and yeah, the look that you used to give me, boy, if looks could kill. You talking about stank face, and it was like, "Oh well, I'm here now, I didn't fell asleep again.".
07:00 Yeah, and I just had to get to the point where I was through being frustrated with the behavior, and I had to get to the place where I was being more intentional about telling you how your behavior was making me feel. Right, yeah. Because our spouse is not a problem to be fixed, right? Our spouse is a person, correct. Right, and spending all the time that you have with them trying to make them be who you want them to be is an exercise in futility. Like that's not going to work for you. The person has to want to change, yes.
07:30 And what was it that made you want to do differently? I think, you know, I've said this before, that it was the energy in which you told me, right? When you said "It makes me feel like this," or "When you do this, this is how I'm feeling at the time." I think it was the softer approach in how you described how you were truly feeling. And it wasn't angry, it wasn't mad, because before it was just, like I said, venom. Like that's just my word. It was always like that. Are you mad 24/7? So it was hard to have a conversation or even hear you past the tone. It was hard to hear you past the tone.
08:30 And then, I don't know what happened, but one day your approach was very soft and it was like, "Hey, when you fall asleep at night, I feel unheard. And if you know me, if you know how I grew up feeling like that, I just feel a certain way." Yeah, and it made me realize like, "Damn dog, you have this effect on her. I know you think you just tired and you just want to go to sleep, but it really has a huge effect on you personally." And that was just one instance where it's like, okay, I got to make a conscious effort to make sure that I'm listening and staying awake.
09:00 I remember it was times where—you probably don't remember—I used to sit on the side of the bed on my knees cuz I wanted to make sure I didn't fall asleep. Y'all, he would kneel on the side of the bed with his elbows on the bed just so he wouldn't fall asleep. But that didn't work. I walked in on him with his head on the bed, and he kneeling by the side of the bed, knocked out, just knocked out.
09:30 I was praying. You wasn't praying! Lying on the Lord, look at you. Shame, shame. I fell asleep praying. Praying for grace, yeah. Praying for some grace that I don't fall asleep. And you know, it is what it is. I know He hears our prayers, though. Yes, and He knows our hearts. But like the bottom line is, like, you know who you married. If you've been in a long-term relationship with someone, you shouldn't have any brand new red flags. Like there shouldn't be any new red flags. Yeah, there are no new red flags, like you said, unless somebody catfished you and been catfished you for a while and you had no clue, and all of a sudden like, "Where'd this come from?" Or they're just like an Oscar award-winning con artist, right, and got it figured out.
10:00 Yeah, ain't no new red flags. So there's some personal responsibility in taking accountability for your expectations of your spouse, but then there's an onus on their end to be realistic about the way that their behavior affects you.
10:30 I also think that there's something to be said about that expectation for change being that you think you're so hoity-toity and super duper great that you have the power to change somebody. Yeah, you know, you just don't. That self-importance, that self-reliance really can get in the way. And I think that's part of the bigger issue is that you want so bad for them to change, so you do all you can to make them change. And all I think that just causes more friction in the relationship, cuz I know you wanted me to change and I know I wanted you to change, but all we were doing were bumping heads.
11:00 Yeah, and then it gets called nagging, and nagging is a four-letter word. Yes, dude. I remember I said that one day. You gave me those—I'm like, "How am I supposed to let you know what's going on if I can't tell you what's going on? I mean, I'm going to just beam it to you through osmosis? Like you're just going to—I don't know how you expected me to tell you.".
11:30 And then trying to tell you in a soft way, right? It's like a smash burger. You know, you get your burger and it's like all fluffy and looks juicy and wonderful, and you got to smash it down to take a bite. You're pulling on all of those feelings: the feelings of not being heard, the frustration with dealing with the problem over and over and over again. And then you got to like put it in a nice, shiny, pretty package to say, "Baby, I love you. I really would appreciate it if you wouldn't do this.".
12:00 It's hard. It's hard. You're right, that's what you got to do. And it was received and it ignited change in me, it did.
12:30 Well, so you got to start—stop fussing about the thing that ain't the thing. You got to stop fussing about the thing that ain't the thing, and then you got to start talking about what that thing costs you and the relationship, whether that is emotional security, whether it is just self-confidence and reassurance, I should say.
13:00 Yeah, and you know, my attachment style is avoidance, right? And I know I remember when we were in the thick of it, it would be times where I would literally just—I would pull over at the park in the parking lot and I would just sit there. I was like, "I am not ready to walk into this.". You was really sitting in it too. I was, man, I was sitting in it. I was sitting in it. And one day I was sitting there, and you drove by. You drove by, and like I locked up like, "Oh, she found me!" But that's how I felt. And mind you, you didn't even see me. You weren't even paying any attention to me, but I saw your car. But in that moment, I was like, "Dude, what the heck are you doing? Take your butt home and let's talk about this. Let's get this figured out.".
13:30 Yeah, I think too that you also have to have your priorities in order, right? You got to have your priorities in order. And Exodus 20:3 says, "Put no other gods before me." Right, so I am vying for the number two spot in his life, right? Because I'm not above God, right? I want that to be your anchor. I want you to focus on Him. But then, come on, the Bible also says "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church," rather.
14:30 And we can actually pause right there for a second. Pause, okay, pause. Because I remember reading that verse, and I remember getting frustrated and I was like, "How did He love the church? Like I need more, like that's not enough." And then I realized like, oh, the church ain't always nice. The people—the church isn't always—I mean, we all claim to be saints, but we were all sinners at some point. We were born sinners. So I remember the analogy that I used to help me was: you're not going to always be pleased with everybody at church; that don't mean you stop going to church, right? And so I remember saying like, "She getting on my nerves, and I want to—" "You want to what?" Anyway, I was upset and I was angry, but I had to realize like, dude, the Bible says the remit is very clear.
15:30 It is, but it's very hard. You know, if you think about how much God loves us, how much He loved His Son Jesus Christ, that's a lot of love. And man, it is a lifelong pursuit to be more and more and more like Christ. And understanding that our marriage is a representation of His love for the church should give you the impetus, the desire, to want to sit in it, to sit through it, and work out whatever the issue is that you're having with your spouse because you love them.
16:00 Yes, you love them. You made a covenant agreement with your spouse, and you was like, "Hey, this is the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with." We both said yes, and this is what it requires. Yeah.
16:30 So, and here's one more thing: for all the people who like, "Man, I ain't getting married cuz I ain't down with that. That's too much work. I ain't trying to hear it all. I don't want to deal with nobody else, I'm fine dealing with myself." You just don't hold your breath. Problems ain't reserved just for married people. Sure ain't. You going to have your own problems, you going to have your own trials. And the thing is, they're still meant to refine you and to make you more into the image of Christ. And you going to keep having the same struggles until you are refined, until you tackle that thing.
17:00 Yeah, you got to face it head-on. And there's something to be said about perseverance. Yes. Giving up is so easy. We are in such an immediate gratification world. Like "Give me, give me, give me now." We get upset, and if it doesn't look how you envisioned or thought, you out, you done, you quit, you give up.
17:30 I mean, you know, you were talking to one of your friends, and he was like, "Man, I'm out here. There's nothing out here. There's nothing outside." And I remember he said, "I wish I would have made it work. I wish I would have figured out how to make it work, cuz I'm out here—this is not it. And I wish I would have done all the things. I wish I would have had more conversations, because every other girl I meet has the same issue. It's always something else, it's always something different. Here I was thinking, unfortunately, my ex-wife, all those issues that I thought she had, it wasn't as big as—I made it bigger than what it was. And I realized I should have just stuck it out and made it work, because there's nothing out here.".
18:30 And what people are looking for is this instant gratification, and they are so ready to bail when it doesn't look like an image that they had in their minds. But yeah, he just said there's nothing outside.
19:00 That's one of the reasons why we do this podcast, is because we got to have somebody out here saying, "1, 2, 3, tell the truth, this is what marriage is really like. This is what's going on." Like, I know we are on social media and YouTube and all that stuff, but it's not the pictures and videos, it's not the movies. And that's the expectation that people have when they get in a relationship, like it's going to be all sprinkles and sunshine and unicorn farts. And it's like, no, that's not realistic. It's not real.
19:30 Think about your regular day: how many times do you wake up in the morning and go to bed at night and say nothing bad happened to me today? Yeah, it's rare. It's very rare. So we have to be realistic in those expectations, and we have to be willing to be patient enough to persevere, because that is where the refining takes place. And you know, we want to be the best version of ourselves for our spouse. I want to be the best version of me for you. You said this a while back: your spouse is not your enemy. Right, your spouse is not your enemy. So you got to do the work, got to put the work in.
20:00 And I'll say this, you know, somewhat of an analogy if I will. Charging your battery: you have an EV, you have an electric vehicle, right? And I remember we were charging it and it got up to like 80% super fast. Like I was like, "Oh yeah, we almost done now, we about to pull off and go get on the road." That last 20% took longer than the first 80%. Correct. So I say that to say: sitting in it, that last 20% will be tough. It's going to be the hardest part of this journey, but just sit in it. Hold on.
21:00 Hold on, because what we know is that when you sit in it and you push through that last 20%, it's going to beat you over the head. You ain't going to come out unscarred and unblemished. You going to look like you done been in a knockdown, drag-out fight with somebody or something, for sure. But the amount of appreciation that you have for your spouse, the amount of love that you have for them—newfound love, yes. Like I can honestly say that I love you more today than I did when we got married, without a doubt.
21:30 And it's a deeper, different, more dynamic love. And I think we'll talk about that too, because it's definitely different. Right now we don't have enough time, we'll save that for another episode, but it is definitely—it feels different, it feels inviting, it feels warm. And we've been doing this for 20 years, 20-plus years, and I'll say the last two years, year and a half, it's been the best, like hands down. So sit in it. Well y'all, y'all sit in it with your boo, okay? Nonviolent, patience is a virtue, that's in the Bible too, all those things. And you know, we got some cool things cooking for y'all. We want you to stay tuned. We just released our music playlist, so if you're feeling like you want to swoon with your boo, go on and download that, check it out.
22:00 And we are cooking up some really cool things with our companion guides. So we're producing some podcast companion guides that you can use for some of our most popular episodes, so you can dig a little deeper into the topic. You can do it with your spouse, you could do it with your boo, you can do it by yourself, but the goal is to get more out of the conversation than what you are able to do in the couple of minutes that we get to spend with you every week.
22:30 So yeah, it's pretty dope. Yeah, stay tuned for that, it's coming. Hope you loved it, and that's it. See y'all!
